How To Play And Sing The Blues

Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Hilary Clinton and she weighs 500 pound."

The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.

Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.

In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. New Orleans, Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues anyplace that don't get rain.

A man with male-pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male-pattern baldness is.

Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. You can't have Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women:a. Sadieb. Big Mamac. Bessied. Fat River Dumpling
Some Blues names for men:a. Joeb. Williec. Little Willied. Big Willie. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues.
(from an e-mail, from Oldeupher)